The Great Toilet-Paper Caper

From one of our favorite medics...

I was reading in the news a week or two back at how the army's suicide rate had hit an all time high this past year in comparison to any other year we have been in Iraq. I had to stop and think about that for a minute. The federal government sent us over here with the original intent of performing tasks that are not within normal human nature to do. And for some of us, we have paid a very hefty price for this. So should it be any surprise to anyone that we may have some of our guys come back to the states exhibiting behavior that is not considered "normal"? And when I say normal, I mean in the sense of a person exposed to this environment. Not some guy working at a seven-eleven in Cleveland or something. The other thing where I think the army could have done better is to create a more efficient and effective way of handling day to day operations.

I’ll give you a hypothetical situation....lets imagine for a minute that you are a soldier in Iraq. And let's say that you start to notice you are running out of....lets say....toilet paper. . So you go to your boss and say hey SGT, we're running out of toilet paper.

So your boss then turns around to the supply SGT and says hey, we're running out of toilet paper.

The supply SGT then tells your boss, you can't have any toilet paper until you fill out this request form.

so your boss fills out the request form and hands it back in. but by the time the form is turned back in, the supply SGT is gone for the day or conducting another mission. So the following day, the supply SGT finally gets back to his office and sees the request form. And being the p----that your supply SGT wants to be, he rejects the request form on the basis of something insignificant....let's say. Your boss didn't fill in the date correctly or something. So the supply SGT doesn't bother to notify anyone of this. He just marks request denied on the paperwork and throws it in his outbox.

In the meantime, you, the soldier, are still running low on toilet paper. In fact, by now, you are down to your last couple of rolls. So you go to your boss again and say, hey SGT, did we receive any toilet paper? We are down to our last couple of rolls.

So your boss, being the good person he is, backbriefs you about filling out the request form and turning that form in yesterday. Your boss says he will check on it today.

So your boss goes to supply again and asks about the toilet paper situation. (This is where they have some young private up at the supply desk who is brand new and knows nothing.) Your boss says, I need to check on the status of receiving some toilet paper. Did you fill out a request form? The private asks. “Yes, I filled one out yesterday and handed it in”, replies your boss”.

“Well, I don't see it in the orders filled box, replies the private. Let me check supply SGT so and so's desk. So sure enough, there is the form with "request rejected" on it. So this is relayed to your boss. And your boss wants to know why it was rejected.

The young supply private replies, "I don't know why he rejected it SGT"

So your boss says, "Where is supply SGT knucklehead at?"

(The young private is now aware that something is wrong and gets the fear of the good Lord Almighty placed into him by this person standing in front of him, wearing stripes.) "uuuuhhhh, I think he went to lunch and then he said that he had to run some errands." the scared private answers.

So your boss being the squared away NCO that he is, tells this private "when SGT knucklehead gets in, you tell him to call SGT Badass as soon as he gets in."

The scared private complies. so your boss finally gets back to you and by now you are wondering if people are going to have to start using their own hands to wipe their rears because you are down to your very last roll of TP.

Finally SGT knucklehead calls your boss and explains that the reason his request was rejected was blah,blah,blah date was placed incorrectly blah,blah. by now your boss is soooooo pissed off about this that he not only goes back down to supply and fills out another request form, ensures that it is filled out to the letter, but also makes a photocopy of the new request form plus the one that was rejected and shoots it up to his boss, which is 1SG killeveryone.

So 1SG gets a hold of this and also gets mad as hell and marches down to supply. But supply just closed two minutes ago and they are gone for the day. So 1SG realizes that he has an important meeting tomorrow and will not be able to go back down there. So he hands this paperwork up to CSM Blowyourassaway to deal with the following day.

Finally, you, Joe soldier, are out of TP. and everyone in your area of operation is holding their crap until you get some. You bring your fears up to your boss who immediately goes to 1SG's office but 1SG isn't there because he is in this damn meeting.

Finally, your boss gets called to the mat by CSM Blowyourassaway and commences to doing what CSM's are renowned for. "SGT Badass!, why do I have soldiers in my area of operation without toilet paper???!! You call yourself a NCO; you couldn't be farther from the truth! I want to know who in the f#$@ is responsible for this and I want to know now!!!"

So your boss explains the situation while he's locked up at parade rest and the sphincter-pucker factor is at level 13 on a scale of 1-10.

So CSM Blowyourassaway tells your boss to take a walk with him down to supply. The door is kicked opened forcefully and the young supply private now has a look on his face like that of a helpless deer that is about to be shot. CSM Blowyourassaway starts his yelling and screaming along with pounding on the supply desk.

The young supply private, (out of sheer terror and horror), dispenses like 200 cases of TP in record time just before the insanity heightens. Your boss ends up getting the toilet paper finally and is asked by CSM Blowyourassaway "If that was so difficult? And that your boss needs to use the authority that was delegated to him." So your boss gets back to you and is still pissed off but is relieved to now get this abundance of TP, as well as everyone else that has been holding their crap for the last 24 hours.

And that is what an average day at Bxxxx consists of. I’ll ttyl. -dave